Six Reasons NOT to be a Rapper
While having almost unlimited access to money, drugs and women is a definite perk, times are getting tough for the modern rapper. There is a lot of ego involved in the industry and this causes several unique challengers. "Ha!", you scoff, "I'm sure it's challenging deciding which sports car to drive or which woman to have sex with". But consider some of the following unexpected issues that come up.

Get More Bling into the Video

Initially, to convey material wealth, rappers were content to wear a diamond earring or a slightly enlarged ring. Unfortunately, in this highly competitive world of one-upmanship, it soon became necessary for every rap video to contain more bling than its predecessor. Once the rapper had gold-plated and put diamonds into everything visible on screen, he had to start innovating in new directions. Based on current rap video trends, here are some predictions about how the rap videos of tomorrow will show off their bling:
  • The rapper gets inserted directly into a huge diamond.
  • Have the rapper's teeth, and entire skeleton, made out of gold (like a more expensive Wolverine!)
  • Instead of showing cars with big rims, just have one giant rim with car seats in it.
  • Diamond-encrusted diamonds!

Coming Up with a Unique Rap Name

To be taken seriously, the modern rapper needs to convey very specific qualities. The rapper must choose a name that conveys the following things:
  • I’m so rich that banks borrow money from ME
  • My car has zero trunk space because that’s where I store my penis
  • There are no women, living or dead, that I haven’t had sex with
  • Global warming was caused by all the weed I smoked
The pool of unused rapper names is shrinking fast and all the good names are taken already. To get around this issue, new rappers have begun using generic prefixes such as "Lil" and "Young" before their name. This way, they are free to use whatever name they had originally wanted. It's kind of like that time you wanted to create a hotmail account but found that MadPlayaSkillz was taken. You then snickered to yourself and entered DaReal_MadPlayaSkillz. The rappers are basically doing the same thing. (As a side-note; I'm MadPlayaSkillz. Sucks to be you!)
Asserting that You, Truly Are, the Best Rapper.

Virtually every rapper claims he is the best there is. In fact, the rapper is often surprised that you can keep your underwear on when he stars rapping. Once again, simply saying "I'm the best" is not enough. The challenge is to proclaim your greatness in increasingly bizarre and ambiguous ways. The following are some suggested ways to claim your greatness:
  • "My rhymes are mad famous, tighter than an anus."
  • "My flow's so smooth it's immune to friction. Step on me and you'll lose your traction."
  • "My skills' so ill, you'll catch gonorrhea. Then you'll get shipped, to North Korea."
  • "When I roll up, you got no chance. Like you forgot to clap, during a square-dance."

Finding Increasingly Depraved Ways to Portray Women

There is no better way to convey a rap artist's sexual virility than to include a young lady in his rap video. If the young lady in question looks like she could suck the stripes off a zebra – all the better.

Initially, this girl's only job was to stand next to our rapper and occasionally pout. Unfortunately, it was soon concluded that she was wearing far more clothing than was necessary. So, more and more clothing started coming off. Pretty soon, video producer competed to see who could display the most naked girl on screen without actually revealing anything worthwhile. This era of videos was characterized by naked girls on animal skin rugs, girls behind (or in) waterfalls and girls in naked silhouettes. Scenes like these might even be considered classy and artistic. Unfortunately, you cannot say the same for the portrayal of women in modern videos.

Gone are the days where we actually had to see the girl’s face. Nowadays, it is sufficient to have her stand on her head and gyrate her ass back and forth for the camera. Admittedly, this can be a magnificent display in its own right, but it certainly doesn’t bode well for the future evolution of rap videos. While I'm not sure how you can innovate and improve on ass-gyration, rappers are nothing if not creative and will undoubtedly rise to the challenge. A few suggestions come to mind:
  • Fill a pool with naked women and have the rapper "swim" in it.
  • The rapper opens his car door and a flood of condom wrappers pour out.
  • A human-sized Pez dispenser loaded with women!
  • Have the girls in the video form a naked human slip-and-slide.

Innovative Ways to Say: Having Sex

If you listen closely, you will sometimes hear very subtle references to sex within most rap videos. However, rappers don't want to say “I'd like to engage in intercourse with you” in every song. To avoid being artistically limited, rappers have resorted to increasingly creative, and questionable, ways to say “having sex”. The following are all, depressingly, real rap lyrics.

Face down, ass up, that’s the way we like to fuck. (I’m sure this runs contrary to the romantic evening she was expecting).
I want to tear it up. (Rappers think women enjoy vaginal lacerations).
Work that lumber. (Something tells me he's not about to build a bird-feeder).
Then crept up behind her, tell her it was time to, let a playa like me get in that vagina. (Does this line really need a joke?).

Creating the Next Fad Dance

Most genres of music tell the listener how to enjoy the song better. Common examples include: “put your hands up!”, “get down!”, “scream!” and “buy my CD you filthy slut!” Rap has taken this one step further and started inventing “innovative” dances and even providing step-by-step instructions on how to do the moves. However, since a good chunk of rap listeners can’t actually dance (throwing up gangster signs while grabbing your crotch does NOT count!), rap artists compete to see who can create a dance that is retardedly simple to do, but seems complex enough to still be considered a dance.

The ever popular “Lean Back” springs to mind. Evidently, the ability to redistribute your body weight slightly is now classified as “dancing”. Why are we still buying into these dances? Did we learn nothing after “The Macarena” left us feeling ashamed and violated? To put it another way, fad dances are the mullets of our generation. There will come a time, about 5-10 years from now when the footage of you doing the Souljaboy dance will inspire feelings of remorse and embarrassment the likes of which you have never known!

Now that you know what rappers go through on a daily basis, maybe you'll think twice about wanting a life with unlimited sex, money and drugs. For the time being however, you can rest assured that rappers will continue to do what they do best. If there is a diamond not incorporated into a piece of jewelry, a woman not incorporated into a gang-bang or a euphemism for sex not incorporated into a rap song, no rapper will rest until these problems are solved!
 





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