Unless you're a rock star or the bastard child of a wealthy celebrity, chances are you've been to a job interview. During this interview, you were undoubtedly asked a series of so-called behavioral questions that were designed to establish your suitability for the job. However, somewhere between being asked what animal best represents you and being forced to describe yourself in three adjectives, you may have started to question the validity of this approach.

There are a lot of great articles out there providing guidance on the best way to answer these questions. This is not one of those articles. But, if you want to know the worst way to answer these questions, you're in the right place.

Why did your leave your last job?
My last employer frowned on teabagging in the workplace.

Where do you see yourself in five years?
It will have been 4 years and 364 days since I farted during a job interview.

Describe a situation where you were successful.
I was at a house party one time and a drunk girl passed out on a couch - I was able to successfully grope her.

How do you deal with conflict in the workplace?
I find that threatening physical violence resolves most inter-office disputes.

Describe your biggest weakness.
I am desperate enough to work for your company.

If you were an animal, which animal would you be?
A pigeon. I think I would be very good at pooping on people from altitude.

How would you describe yourself?
Horribly good-looking and hung like a thoroughbred horse.

What is your ideal work environment?
A workplace full of open-minded females. And a midget.

What 3 adjectives would you use to describe yourself?
Desperate, horny, available.

Why should I hire you?
Because the other guy you interviewed is a bigger coke fiend than I am.