3. Any Vehicle Bigger than a Minivan Will Eventually Fuck Shit Up

If you ever see an 18-wheeler on screen, you can be assured that it's only a matter of time before lots of people start making insurance claims. Even a slightly enlarged van should do the trick. Movies have established a clear standard for the minimum size of vehicle allowed to crash into stuff. This standard is important because having the bad guys chase down the hero in Smart cars will detract from their criminal credibility. Even in the era of high gas prices, some things should not be sacrificed.

As Seen In

Terminator 2, Matrix Reloaded

How It Affects You

Every truck that appears in your rearview mirror makes you soil yourself. If one in the next lane moves an inch toward you, you immediately panic and search frantically for an emergency eject button. However, if you see a truck braking to avoid a motorist ahead, you scoff and feel cheated when the truck manages to stop in time.

2. A Full-Scale Bar Brawl is a Snide Comment Away

Heaven forbid our hero should find himself in a venue with detachable stools and pool cues. Without warning, the entire place can erupt into an orgy of eye-gouging and fish-hooking. Never mind that the vast majority of the clientele are too drunk to identify basic colours, somehow they all manage to find the enthusiasm and dexterity to swing from the nearest chandelier at the first sign of a sarcastic comment.

As Seen In

Any Western Movie with a Bar Scene

How It Affects You

Every time someone accidentally bumps into you in a bar or a nightclub, you glance back at your friends to see if they've started flipping over tables and smashing beer bottles in preparation for the ass-kicking about to ensue. If someone hasn't bumped into you yet, you are proactively glancing around the room to see which pieces of furniture would inflict maximum damage when applied to the crotch of your enemies.

1. If the Above Facts Don't Apply, She'll Turn Out to be a Tranny

If you somehow managed to watch The Crying Game without any spoilers, you know how disturbing it can be to find out that the cause of your erection during the movie turned out to be a guy. It certainly didn't help that you kept insisting that you "would do her sideways" to your buddies for the first hour of the movie.

As Seen In

The Crying Game, Boys Don't Cry

How It Affects You

Ever since you saw the movie, you are paranoid about becoming attracted to anything that resembles a female. Your inner monologue goes something like: "Wow, she's hot, I'd do her....but only if she's a chick! Otherwise, I retract my previous statement". Your outward reaction simply consists of muttering "tranny" whenever you're within 500 yards of a female.